Use the inches you’ve got.

tumblr_mfn23h1RA01qfy03lo1_500Stop worrying about dick size and start paying attention to what you’re doing.

After the weekends shannonigans and naked card games I was thinking about hang ups and penis size. It was clear that as the 12 of us were standing naked around the table there was at least a little bit of sizing up going on. At first everybody was quite shy but then as people began to realise that it really didn’t matter, or they were too drunk to care, they began to relax and not worry quite so much about letting it “hang out”.

As gay men penis size is something that we all think about at some point. Even for those not obsessed with it they must still live with a culture that for the most part is.

But what is it about penis size that is so attractive. Big dicks have not always been seen as desirable. It’s only as cultural perceptions of what is attractive have changed that our opinions about big dicks have too.

Everyday my spam folder gets filled with emails about adding extra inches to my dick. “Get a better sex life, add 2 inches” and bullshit titles like that which miss the point. Gay mens magazines and pop culture are full of photoshopped dicks that resemble cast members from snakes on a plane. Our mouths might water when we see them but the reality of what they can do for us is often disappointing. The fact is that having a bigger dick won’t make sex better, learning how to use the inches you’ve got will!

I’ve met guys with regular sized dicks who were amazing and guys with huge dicks who were terrible. Lets be honest, a dick can be too big. The really big dicks can have trouble getting fully erect and if your with a Top who doesn’t know what he is doing they can do some real damage. Small dicks can hurt just as much as the big ones if they are not used properly, proof that it’s not the size of the wand but the skill of the Wizard that wields it.

If you have a big dick, don’t go balls deep on the first thrust.

If you have a small dick, grinding can feel better than thrusting for your partner

So next time you are scanning the naked guys around the card table, at the pool or in the locker room remember that your dick has just as much potential to give pleasure as everybody else. Take some time to read the manual and pay attention to what works and what doesn’t work for you and your lover.

Gay 101

How to be a better Top

TrentonDucatiNo matter how awesome we think we are in bed, most of us could always afford to add some new tricks to our bag.

I have met guys who were amazing and guys who were just plain awful. The differences between them were not as great as you might think.

As a versatile boy I get the best of both worlds and I want to share with you some of the tips that I have picked up during my shannonigans.

Contrary to popular opinion I find it is your brain and not a rock hard dick that is your best tool for being an awesome Top.

To be a better Top there are a few things that I think you should know first.

Anal sex can hurt. I sometimes think that the best Tops are guys who also Bottom because empathy always makes a better lover. The biggest problem most Tops have is that they don’t pay attention to their partner. They start the joust at full gallop. If you are going to Top remember that if you injure your partner before you even get started nobody is going to have a good time.

3 things will help you get started:

Fingers and tongues.

They go everywhere with you and are a great way to get your Bottom going. Gently rubbing with the pads of your fingers or licking around the anus ( called rimming ) feels awesome and you will notice when they relax and the tension eases. It’s at this point that you can be a little more forceful butt.. don’t just shove it in up to the knuckles and remember fingernails hurt. Sucking and biting is incredibly uncomfortable and huge no no too.

LUBE LUBE LUBE. I mean seriously guys. What are you thinking!

Silicon, water based, spit… it doesn’t matter. USE IT.

Take it easy at the start.

The worst thing you can do is just jam it in. Unless your Bottom is like a freeway on ramp a slow start is best. I find the best way to start is is to slowly slide it in (with plenty of lube ). Don’t get creative yet. Just watch and listen to their reaction. It gives them time to relax. It’s at this point that I have learned it’s better to grind rather than fuck. It’s the “in and out” that can be painful in the beginning but grinding slow is hot, passionate and a great way to start.

As the heat increases your instincts should take over. I don’t really need to explain what to do next but here are a couple of things to avoid in general.

Pulling out completely and punching back in looks great in porn but in reality can feel more like getting stabbed than pleasurable. Try to avoid it unless your bottom indicates that it’s okay.

Jack hammering away like a rabbit in order to reach the finish line as soon as possible is bad form. Vary the speed and tempo, tease and build. Thats the way to do it.

Don’t blow and go. Don’t be selfish. I’ve met plenty of Tops who are only interested in getting themselves off ( Hmm does that sound bad? *grins ). Make sure your partner gets off too. If you’re good you can time it so you get off together.

Once things get going here are a few more tips that I have found make a big difference for me.

Mix up your positions.

Remember if your Bottom is going off then your going to have a much better time too. Move around, see what works and what makes it fun for both of you. Don’t be a star fish.

Don’t be afraid to make some noise.

Grunting, groaning, calling out his name and a little dirty talk are all great ways of letting him know you like something. Letting him know you like it, has the added bonus of encouraging him to do it more.

Get handy.

The beast with two backs also has 2 mouths, four nipples, four arms and four legs. Not to mention any number of “spots”. Use them. biting and moaning in his ear as you thrust, licking his neck and gently pulling his hair as you hammer him in to the mattress and jerking him off as you fuck are a few suggestions.

Watch your size.

For those of you who are bigger than average, going balls deep might not be the most comfortable act for your partner. Use common sense .

Play safe.

Some Tops I have met have had the crazy idea that it’s the bottoms job to bring a condom. Everybody is responsible for safe sex. A rubber and a lube sachet in your back pocket is your best friend.

Sex is messy, sticky and there are no real hard and fast rules but if you want to up your game the easiest way to do it is to pay attention to what works and doesn’t work for your partner. Increasing their enjoyment will increase yours as well.

Happy fucking.

Gay sex toys, gay sex positions

Anal sex toys such as dildos, butt plugs and vibrators can be a beautiful complement to your favourite sex positions. They make for great foreplay, then as well when you’re having anal sex they can enhance this experience, for bottom and top alike.

JACK-HARRER-Fucks-MANUEL-RIOS-Sex-Toy-Bel-Ami-Gay-Porn-StarsWarming up

It can simply be easier to open up and relax the bottom with a toy, especially if the top’s really well endowed. Depending on his experience and also his mood, there might be a girth the bottom can easily initially accommodate, and this can vary from day to day; we’ve probably all had those times when the bigger sex toys and the bigger cocks are too much for us, and any pain or discomfort experienced then can be a real turn off.

It’s useful to have in your toy collection a tapered toy such as a butt plug with a relatively narrow tip, so penetration is easy and you can stretch and relax the sphincters bit by bit. Get the bottom in the position you want to have sex in. Caress, kiss and lick his anus. Get him comfortable. Maybe he’d like to close his eyes. Bottoms, let your butt cheeks spread and push your anus towards your partner. Give him a decent view and easy access. You might both want to stroke yourselves and masturbate lightly at the same time.

Penetrate gently and play with the toy inside. Rotate the toy and swirl it around as well as moving in and out. Go slower than your cock will be going and build up the longing for a harder pace. If you’re using a vibrator instead of a butt plug, the vibrations can help to relax as well as stimulate your partner. Vary the speed and see how the impact changes as you angle the toy around.

Once you’ve withdrawn the toy, try inserting a couple of finger and feeling around inside him. This can be intense for him and the texture of his anus and rectum is great to explore.

More play

To prolong your sex play and really arouse the bottom, when you’re fucking him and before, use a vibrating butt plug or an inflatable butt plug and leave that in place while switching to giving him oral sex. If you choose a vibrating butt plug, that can sit comfortably in place and keep him thinking of you inside of you inside him while deepening his feeling of his own erection. With an inflatable toy, you can really boost his prostate sensation, alternately inflating and partially deflating the toy – or giving him the pump so he has control. There’s a wonderful contrast between this kind of anal stimulation and the feeling of you thrusting into him. The taste of his cock and balls as you lick and suck him should also be a real turn on for you.

Bend over boyfriend

Of course, a majority of gay men are not 100% top or bottom. When you’re fucking your partner, a little anal stimulation of your own can just be the ticket you need to turn a great-already experience into a truly wild, absolutely satisfying experience. You might want to force your ass onto your partner’s mouth to rim before fucking him. When you’ve lubed yourself up you can wipe the excess off on your own anus and slip a finger or two into yourself. For sustained anal stimulation for you while you penetrate your partner, a butt plug that’s going to stay in place is usually most convenient. (If you’re playing bottom on top, you get more scope to explore with, for example, dildos with suction caps, so they’ll stay in place while you bounce around over them.) In terms of size and shape, you want a dildo that’s going to enhance your erection and your feeling of being hard and genitally aroused, and not so big that the anal sensation takes you over completely. If you’re not used to being fucked yourself or using big sex toys, a slender prostate massager such as the Aneros could be best for you. If you like a little more bulk inside, a vibrating but plug such as the can deliver a whole range of sensations which complement your anal sex.

If the top’s using a butt plug, the bottom can play with that as well even while he’s being fucked and add to his partner’s arousal. In missionary position sex, use your heel to press against the plug and your partner’s anus, squishing it around while you also draw your partner further into you. In doggy style sex positions, reach beneath with your hand to massage your partner’s perineum and push against the toy. As a bottom, you might find that your being active in this way boosts your experience of anal sex.

Bad Boys! Big Boom & Jock Booty

splash30augThe classic summertime fantasy – lusting after Boomer, the Bad Boy on the Motorcycle. Or you can take your place with Jock Boy Steven – The Bad Boys want you! End this summer realizing your fantasy – follow your dreams with Boomer or Steven or create your own fantasy with any of our other 1000’s of RentMen!

Smart Things Male Couples Can Do to Rekindle Their Sex Life

1. Plan time for sex.
Most couples-gay and straight-insist they shouldn’t have to plan for sex, which should come naturally and spontaneously the way it did in the beginning of their relationship. But after the first five years, you must make time for it. Planning can help you anticipate being together, making the coming experience more exciting.

2. Focus on some detail(s) you find attractive about your partner.
Is your partner not quite as attractive as when you first got together? He’s put on some pounds, lost some hair, and doesn’t seem as hot to you now.
Then focus on what you do like about him-his genitals, hair, feet, hands? The way he kisses? Focus on any aspect of him that most arouses you.

bondage3. Fantasize about some hot experience you had in the past.
It can be an experience and/or fantasy with your current partner, or with someone else. The popular press media claims that not being fully present with a partner during sex is destructive and to fantasize about anyone else is like cheating. Not true! If that’s the only way you and your partner can enjoy sex, that might be an issue. But doing this every so often can spark sexual excitement in you both.

4. Watch porn together; get on the webcam with other guys on the Internet.
This aphrodisiac can heighten your sexual desire-and thus, for each other. There’s nothing wrong with being stimulated outside your relationship, if you bring that sexual energy back into the relationship with your partner. Again, this is no problem unless it’s the only way you can have sex together or one of you is jealous. This would not be recommended if so.

5. Consider opening up your relationship.
Many gay couples open their relationships after five to seven years together. In fact, studies show that 75% of gay male couples have non-monogamous relationships. However, these couples communicate and have agreements with each other so that both know that neither is cheating or doing anything in secret. This frank openness helps partners helps them reactivate sexual desire in one another.

6. Role-play.
Have you and your partner ever discussed your deepest, darkest sexual secrets? Maybe one or both of you like to be spanked? Maybe humiliating someone sexually turns you one? Perhaps you’ve never told him of your fetish of licking his feet or armpit? Fantasy role play can help you escape daily living, forget about your busy lives, and perhaps even problems in your relationship. Remember, you should only do this when you feel good about each other. The goal is to connect, not disconnect.

7. Do anything except have sex.
After a long drought in a relationship, engaging in sex directly may be too tall an order. If so, give each other massages. Take a bath or shower together, lie naked beside each other, kiss, rub strawberries on each other’s lips and feed each other. But whatever you do, don’t have sex! If you both honestly decide to, fine-but your goal should not to create any pressure to perform.

Gay male couples not having sex for long periods of time can now come out of the closet of shame and lonely isolation, knowing that their worry is more common generally talked about. Following some of these guidelines or creating your own, you might not have to walk away from the relationship you’ve always wanted.

© Joe Kort

What is Normal Sex and Who Determines It?

Against The Use of Psychiatric Diagnosis

While accepted definitions of “normal” behavior form the basis for most psychological treatment, a wider appreciation of individuality and creativity has always informed my practice. For nearly four decades, I have sat and listened as people present their life stories and still marvel at how unique are many of their problems and how well these problems also function as solutions. Those who come to therapy already have already changed in response to the many sharp turns and sudden twists that life delivers. Sometimes those adaptations are accompanied by unexpected guests – consequences in the form of a problem or symptom. The more I explore those problems to find how they function, the more originality I discover and the deeper is my conviction that the human mind possesses an extraordinary genius for creativity.

As I continue to teach and lecture among my colleagues around the world, I am profoundly aware that most psychotherapists still train and practice within a paradigm that sees patients’ problems as rooted in pathology. They look for how a symptom fits into a diagnostic category, then apply treatment methods according to specific guidelines. That neatly solves the problem for the therapists, but not for the patient.

My approach is less to diagnose and treat the problem than to identify, respect and even revere how it solves or rectifies life’s dilemmas. Whenever I am able to cast a so-called problem in a such positive light by uncovering its meaning and purpose, the person gains a reinforced respect for himself and for what he or she is seeking to achieve in maintaining the problem. Self-respect forms the platform from which we summon the imagination for creative alternatives for change.

When I can help patients find their way back to the original conflict that their problem solves, I can also help generate different options or solutions that have fewer emotional consequences, yet the same stabilizing results.

Efforts to standardize “normality’ have lead to the creation of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the American Psychiatric Association’s (APA), imperial attempt to label and codify much of so-called dysfunctional behavior, clustering it into diagnostic categories in relation to agreed-upon definitions of “normal.” The newly published–and deeply conceptually flawed–DSM-V medicalizes problems or symptoms caught in its net, forcing clinicians to make distinctions that trivialize individuality and creativity and lead to unneeded treatments and drug prescriptions –a goldmine for pharmaceutical companies. It creates medical disorders based on questionable science.

Used by insurance companies to determine eligibility and therefore pervasive in its influence, the DSM-V serves more like a guide for therapeutic witch-hunts generated by an elite, powerful few seeking to shoehorn patients into cost-effective, “evidence-based” treatments. Diagnoses become life sentences, branded into the consciousness of patients and their families as well as medical and insurer data banks that follow them throughout their lives. Even so, some psychiatrists think the DSM has not gone far enough in considering the use of brain scans as a tool in determining the neurological and genetic sources for patients’ supposed mental illnesses. For them, all “dysfunctional” behavior is a function of chemical imbalances.

In response to the DSM-V, The British Psychological Society condemns its bias: “It is based largely on social norms, with ‘symptoms’ that all rely on subjective judgements… not value-free, but rather reflect[ing] current normative social expectations.”

These words echo my view. Definitions of “normality” should have no authority in psychological assessments because they create a dangerous standard by which to judge human behavior in and out of the consultation room Mental health professionals use it to pathologize, and religious leaders to demonize behavior outside the norm without consideration or respect for social and familial context, or how symptoms function as a creative solutions. A problem or symptom can only be understood and decoded within the context of the patient’s unique life experience.

Sexual behavior especially defies normalization. Every sexual experience is inherently different because it draws upon the individual and cultural history of the participants as well as how they come together at a particular moment in time. Yet, diagnostic categories for so-called “unhealthy”, “deviant” or “perverse” sexual behavior have been standardized in the DSM from its earliest publication.. These diagnosis have too often served as the justification for dangerous treatments such as Conversion Therapy in which homosexual patients are taught heterosexual behavior. Yet, what had been vigorously defended for decades as psychological “truth,” was later cast aside. In 1973 homosexuality was eliminated from the DSM; other categories of sexual behavior once considered deviant have undergone a similar fate as values and attitudes toward sex have changed. Still, the DSM-V continues to invent new sexual categories such as Hypoactive Sexual Disorder– the lack of sexual interest–a diagnosis for which pharmaceutical companies are racing to create medications that work to increase women’s sexual desire.

Though solid findings have shown that flagging sexual interests are more likely the result of long term monogamous relationship, many psychologists continue to promote the idea that women have lower sex drives because they are hardwired to want children and not necessarily sex. On the contrary, monogamous relationships act like “cultural cages” that confine natural sexual desire.

Even hormonal decreases during menopause can be overridden when a woman takes a new lover.

Is a diagnosis of Hypoactive Sexual Disorder the result of some bio/psychological indifference as the DSM-V proposes, or is it monogamy itself that results in the loss of sexual desire?

Even our sexual thoughts are not beyond professional judgment. Ideas about the role that sexual fantasies play in our lives have been intensely debated among psychologists. While sexual fantasies are now considered a universal experience, Freud and other early psychoanalysts believed that sexual fantasies resulted from feelings of deprivation in the absence of sexual satisfaction. Many experts still maintain this view, further reasoning that certain types of fantasies are signs of pathology. For them, fantasies involving a patient’s sexual submissiveness, for instance, are viewed as a deeper symptom of “masochism” because they are assumed to lower self-esteem.

Some psychotherapists and sexologists say sexual fantasies should never be acted out because such activity might serve as a stepping stone to further pathological, antisocial or even violent behavior. There is no evidence to support the notion that acting out fantasies will lead to violent behavior.

These views are less about understanding than policing sex. Along with religious fundaemntalists who preach that sexual fantasies are sinful and strictly prohibited by the bible, the field of psychology has contributed to forms of sexual oppression that have resulted in widespread feelings of shame and confusion.

Far from pathological, our deepest sexual desires reflect our unique histories and are as original and varied as we are as people. They represent subconscious attempts to resolve childhood conflicts or to satisfy unmet needs by turning painful feelings into pleasurable ones through eroticizing them. Our fantasies, whatever they may be, are windows into our deepest psyche. They have value and purpose that can safely and intelligently be used to create a gratifying and meaningful sexual life.

Sex can be hollow, repetitive, and preoccupy us just like many other life experiences–like unfulfilling work or meaningless relationships–especially when we have repressed or denied our deepest desires. Yet, running the work treadmill or following the daily rituals of marriage are considered necessary and normal parts of life; no diagnostic category exists for them. But when it comes to sex, we use pathologizing language like “sexual compulsive” and “sexual addict” to describe similar ritualized behavior.

The field of psychology has strayed far from its origins a little more than a century ago when extraordinarily creative thinkers developed theories and practices based on actual experience with patients rather than experiments run in universities by graduate students. There has been much lost to psychology by its attempts to legitimize itself through questionable scientific studies and speculation that reduces human behavior to codes and categories. It has taken on the job of modifying, medicalizing and erasing “deviant” behavior in the name of “health.”

Sexually speaking, we can reverse the corrosive influence of definitions of socially acceptable behavior by making a conscious attempt to understand accept and honor the true nature of our unique sexuality. If we can achieve authenticity by aligning our sexual behavior with our fantasies and desires, we can permanently change our relationship to ourselves and satisfy a host of deeper needs. We can reclaim rejected, repressed or abandoned parts of ourselves and integrate them into our essence, which is so crucial to our sense of well-being. By challenging socially constructed values of “normal,” we will arrive at our own set of moral values and obligations that derive from self-knowledge and self-acceptance. By honoring all of our desires, we do not demonize their difficult aspects. Rather, we instead accept ourselves in all our human complexity.

Written by – Stanley Siegel, LCSW, is a psychotherapist, author, lecturer, and former Director of Education and Senior Faculty member of New York’s renowned Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy. With nearly 40 years of experience in the field of psychology, Siegel has developed a bold and unconventional approach to psychotherapy that has led to his most recent book, Your Brain on Sex: How Smarter Sex Can Change Your Life.

Respecting the Value of Porn

As a sex positive therapist, many clients seek my help for concerns they have about their sexuality, looking for guidance as they navigate sexual and or intimate relationships, and supportive treatment for symptoms related to sexual trauma they have experienced. They often have many questions about normalcy and fear of the unknown. Overall, I see a common thread of emotion woven into many of these concerns: shame. So many people feel ashamed of their desires, feelings, and experiences. A common subject broached by clients is porn and their shame around watching and enjoying it. (There are other subjects which I will address in later posts.)queermenow blog banner 1

Overall, women who view porn are often seen as depraved sex fiends and anti-feminist, in addition to a slough of other misguided opinions. Men who view porn are seen as typical misogynist cads…  So we don’t talk about watching porn. And we definitely don’t talk about enjoying it. Porn is so feared and detested that we, as porn viewers, fear what it might mean about ourselves to watch and enjoy it. We are encouraged to detest the parts of ourselves which derive pleasure from it.

If we did feel safe enough to have an open dialogue with one another about the value of porn, what might we say?

Some of us might say that porn has helped us to connect with our authentic sexuality for the first time. Where previously we had experienced discomfort, fear, shame, or a combination of any of these feelings when accessing our sexuality at anything deeper than surface level, porn has served for some of us to explore this part of ourselves in a safe, nonjudgmental space. Porn has gifted curiosity about ourselves, what we like (and what we don’t), what we want, what we want to try, ways of expressing desire, and what might make us feel desired.

Others might say that they find value in queer or feminist porn, that they like to see people who look like them enjoying their authentic sexuality. These members of our community might say that it’s refreshing and empowering to watch scenes in which they are represented and to which they can relate, scenes that inspire them.

Maybe some of us would share that watching porn has enriched our sexual relationship with our partners. We might have experienced a lull or predictable sex, maybe disconnected sex, and much of it unsatisfying. As we explored the world of porn with our partner(s) we realized things they wanted that they didn’t feel comfortable revealing before. We noticed more ease in talking about the sex we were (and weren’t) having with one another and the se that we wanted. We began to feel more connected to one another and less afraid of talking about what we want, less afraid of the awareness of what we want.

Such incredible connection and growth is happening for people watching porn and we are discouraged form sharing it with one another. We are experiencing a wonderful, life-affirming treasure and yet we are told that it’s toxic garbage.

Let’s stop playing along. We can show the others what they’re missing, those who don’t watch porn and those who pretend they don’t. We can show them there’s nothing to fear and everything to gain by sharing the valuable experiences we have had thanks to porn. I enjoy porn and I am grateful for it! Who else is with me?

Natalie Mills, MFTSan Francisco Counseling and Therapy