What Your Favorite Porn Says About You

Featured Article by Stanley Siegel | September 2012 – Issue 2 http://psychologytomorrowmagazine.com

You are sitting in front of a computer screen surfing porn sites ready to get off. You sift through scenes and images until you connect to one. Suddenly, every element of desire falls perfectly in line. You become intensely excited, your physical and mental energy sharply focused and shutting out other thoughts. Eventually, you climax.

"The Act of Man" by Barbora Mastrlova

Most of us do not meticulously analyze what just happened. There might be some curiosity about why a certain porn scene turns us on. Typically, after getting off to it, we feel temporarily satisfied and pull ourselves back together.

What actually is happening in that moment when everything clicks? Why does a particular story or scene cause such arousal? Why, for instance, does forced sex with a woman or a very boyish man attract us more than other images?

Sexual fantasies, whether elaborate romantic themes or sporadic images of muscular arms or big breasts, mean much more than we think. Specific erotic images are connections to deeper inner truths long banished from consciousness.

Porn intensely focuses our mental and physical attention, uncovering specific emotions eroticized much earlier in life. Through our sexual fantasies, we attempt to master feelings of powerlessness, shame, guilt, fear and loneliness that have followed us into adulthood. Encoded in the porn scenes that lead us to orgasm are the psychological antidotes to these feelings. Situating ourselves in humiliating, romantic or risky scenes counteracts painful feelings by turning them into pleasurable ones. Psychologically, this happens outside our awareness, the way blood cells heal a cut finger without our knowing it.  Read More

Finding a Partner vs. Finding a Fantasy

Finding a Partner or Fantasy Finding a Partner vs. Finding a Fantasy

I’m like you and you’re like me – we all want to love, but most importantly we want to be loved in return. This is the secret to living a long and successful life, yet we’ve failed to put two and two together when it comes to choosing a compatible mate.

I’m just as guilty as any other gay guy; yes, I’ve judged potential boyfriends on how many hours they put in the gym, yes, I’ve chosen the bad boys over good decent men, yes, I’ve allowed my ideal standard of beauty to affect my logic on how I enter the dating scene. But trust me when I say everything we’ve ever thought about men and dating is a total lie.

Chasing a fantasy is the biggest scam anyone’s ever been a part of. Gay guys especially turn it into more than just a fairy tale, but an episode of Baywatch. We don’t just want a man to sweep us off our feet; we also want him to look like a supermodel. We don’t just want a man to be the center of our world; we also want him to be rich and socially valuable. We don’t just want a nice guy to be romantic and give us breakfast in bed on our birthdays; we also want him to be an expert at giving a blowjob. Fantasies, though fun, will ultimately create disillusioned expectations.

The gay community thrives on fantasy. It’s how we live our lives. Countless of gay men fantasize of having a sexy husband, adopting a child (most likely from another country), set up a nice house and garden, attend LGBT rallies with their kids at hand, and become PTA dads at school just like we “think” all the other gay couples do. This is a cliché image we all strive to achieve, but we fail to see what lies behind it. We see celebrity couples like Neil and David, Matt Bomer and Simon Halls, or Elton and David, and we fantasize that one day we’ll have a life similar to theirs – kids, career, house and all. But let’s not jump the gun here…

It’s impossible for you to find happiness when you’re emulating someone else’s life. We all have our own trajectory, a journey, which is totally unique to our personal experience. Trying to set goals parallel to someone else’s is foolish because you’re never going to be in their shoes. The only feet you’re privileged to walk on are your own, and they’re a damn good set if I say so myself.

Love is complicated – I didn’t have to tell you that. It enters when you least expect it; and when it does, it blinds you from seeing nearly all logic. The rules have changed. The new man in our life slowly becomes the center of it. The fantasy seems more and more realistic as time moves on, ultimately shaping the things we say and do. It’s the passion that fuels a relationship – sex, tension, and adrenaline. Rarely do we ever stop and think if he’s actually a compatible partner, and why should we? If it feels good in the moment, there’s no reason why it needs to stop.

But if there’s one common thread all long lasting relationship share, it’s the understanding of yin and yang. They don’t complete each other necessarily, but together they balance each others destinies. No one can depend on pure passion to create a life together. A relationship requires compatibility, understanding, reliability, a shoulder to cry on, a trusting hand, a willingness to say “We’re in this together.” You’re a team, not a temporary dance partner. Together you help each other achieve goals, and together you work to embrace each others dreams. It’s not about an artificial fantasy. We all must find someone that isn’t made from cardboard, but rather flesh, bone, and mind – a real prince.

There’s so much more to love than a feeling. We all have experienced love, the emotion, but love, the practice, is a whole other thing. It’s a decision, a conscious effort to work together as a unit to be monogamous, loyal, honorable, and decent. This is what we really want. The fantasy is merely a pathway to get there, but sadly it often becomes the motive.

Finding a fantasy is easy. Finding a partner is like finding a diamond in the rough. It takes a special kind of man to say, “I choose you.” Relying on make-believe and artificiality to create a boyfriend prototype will land you back to square one. Happily ever after is all good and fun, but instead of depending on the word “happily” perhaps we should focus more on the “ever after” part. A relationship is only as good as its partnership. Happiness lasts as long as you make it, but happiness is also a result of balance. Without that, you can kiss that dream of yours bye-bye.


Rentmen Exclusive Interview: LeoSweetwood– Male Escort in NYC


RentMen: What do you enjoy most in your escort work?
LeoSweetwood: I get to provide intimacy, love, compassion, and kindness to all my clients. I feel I’m chosen not because of my physical qualities but because of my personality. I’m very nice, understanding, humble, and can hold a conversation.

RentMen: Describe your ideal hook up with a client.
LeoSweetwood: I prefer overnight clients and the boyfriend experience. This allows me to get to know the client better and learn what his likes and dislikes are. It also give me the opportunity to develop an in-depth relationship with them so hopefully they will see me again.

RentMen: Hobbies, fetishes you like and services you offer / prefer.
LeoSweetwood: I love to give massages, I’ve been told I have a natural gift when it comes to it. Massages are a great ice breaker for new clients or people who have never hired an escort. I get to ask them questions and they get to ask me questions. Then when it comes to getting more intimate they feel more comfortable.

RentMen: What has been your best escorting experience?
LeoSweetwood: Most of my regulars are always a great experience. They have become like friends. I know intimate details about them and vice versa. We go shopping together, dinner, and even travel. But at the end of our time they know this is a business.

RentMen: How do you handle your dating and personal life while working in the adult industry?
LeoSweetwood: I have been single for 4+ years so and I’m not really looking for a boyfriend but if someone sparks my interest I would definitely consider going on a date or potentially investing in a long term relationship.

Read the full interview on RentMen.com